I final­ly got to Face­Time my son today. They’ve been with their dad since Fri­day, at his brother’s house. This was the hard­est Face­Time yet, because I knew from the moment we start­ed, my son was upset. And he end­ed up cry­ing, tears pour­ing down his face because he hat­ed being split between us, he missed me, he did­n’t know what to tell his lit­tle cousins as to why I haven’t been around, and he did­n’t want to lie to them. All the while, his dad and uncle obliv­i­ous­ly laughed their heads off in the next room. 

My heart broke for him. You know, I can han­dle the rejec­tion. I’ve been han­dling it since 2006. I can han­dle the betray­al. I can han­dle every­thing my hus­band has thrown at me, because I have God, and I’m abid­ing in Him. 

But to do this to our kids, to jus­ti­fy his self­ish­ness and make our son go through this??! I want­ed swift jus­tice, and told God as such in no uncer­tain terms. Spare his life, Lord, but knock him down, and bring him to repen­tance, before he dam­ages our kids any further.

I had to search my mes­sages for the word God gave to Pas­tor Ken, a fam­i­ly friend, about me. With­out know­ing what was going on, on 10/12 he told my fam­i­ly God will give me jus­tice, and I need to push for sole cus­tody of the kids because he sensed sex­u­al deviance regard­ing my hus­band. (Oh, how I hat­ed hear­ing that. At that point, all I knew about were the one-night stands. How much worse could it be? Ha! Lit­tle did I know…) 

He also said because I live a life of integri­ty and hon­or, the sins of the father will not come upon the chil­dren. They will nev­er be in the same bondage as their father because of how I live my life.

I think that was the first of God throw­ing peo­ple my way to reas­sure me. I keep that mes­sage read­i­ly acces­si­ble, for the moments when I need to remem­ber 1) God has His eye on me, always, and 2) God is for me.

And then I rewatched the Joseph Prince ser­mon 🙂 Fourth time’s a charm, right? 

My dad and I dis­agree on which cat­e­go­ry my hus­band falls into. From the day he found out, my dad has said my hus­band was nev­er a Chris­t­ian at all, that he nev­er tru­ly expe­ri­enced sal­va­tion. Oth­er­wise, he wouldn’t be capa­ble of doing all this. 

I think my hus­band falls into the 10% Pas­tor Prince spoke of, the sec­ond cat­e­go­ry: believ­ers who trans­gress. His pride and shame kept him from con­fess­ing his addic­tion, and keep­ing it in the dark allowed it to grow into a mon­ster. And instead of deal­ing with it, he’s tak­ing the easy way out: aban­don­ing every­thing God gave him, mak­ing up his own “thus saith the Lord,” and giv­ing in to wal­low in the mud.