Even the endor­phins from a 2‑hr work­out couldn’t chase away my sad­ness yes­ter­day, think­ing of him. And then our for­mer pas­tor reached out to my dad, telling him they knew what was hap­pen­ing with us. I imme­di­ate­ly called him, sur­prised my hus­band would have told him. And of course, he hadn’t. His par­ents showed up at the church one Sun­day when Pas­tor wasn’t there. Not know­ing what it was about, Pas­tor texted my hus­band, who said he knew why they came. So he was forced to say some­thing to Pastor. 

He said it’s hard to say, but he and I are get­ting divorced. He had messed up and had a rela­tion­ship 2 years ago, and when he told me, he had men­tioned the option of divorce. He went out of town, and when he returned, the kids and I were gone. We’ve had prob­lems since day 1. He could count on two hands the num­ber of times we’d had sex dur­ing our mar­riage (insin­u­at­ing it were my fault). I was a poor home­mak­er; he would return home, and there would be moldy dish­es in the sink. 

I’m sure there was more he said, but that was all Pas­tor revealed. And all that was only in response to what I revealed. He said know­ing my husband’s his­to­ry of abuse, he expect­ed cer­tain issues and had seen signs through­out our mar­riage that he nev­er point­ed out to me. I asked him what they were, because giv­en what I’ve been through the last 6 weeks, there was noth­ing off lim­its in my mind.  He was so hes­i­tant to go there, so I basi­cal­ly told him every­thing that hap­pened in our mar­riage from day 1. 

And that’s when he con­firmed he was 100% sure my hus­band had always had a porn addic­tion, that he strug­gled with homo­sex­u­al attrac­tions and couldn’t bear for any­one to know he wasn’t hav­ing sex with his wife, and that we left the church because he didn’t want any­one to find out.  His pride kept him from admit­ting his prob­lems and seek­ing help.

Dear hus­band,

My heart is filled with such over­whelm­ing grief. How could you be so evil? How could you have giv­en in and so deceived your­self now, after deceiv­ing every­one else for so long? My mind is bog­gled at the decep­tion and depravity. 

Oh, my heart hurts. 

My heart hurts. 

My heart hurts. 

How it hurts. 

It hurts for you. What a tor­tured soul. How will you ever find your way out of this? How will you ever face your demons, espe­cial­ly when you have iso­lat­ed your­self from every­one who tru­ly cares about you? 

Oh, my heart hurts. 

My heart hurts. 

My heart hurts. 

My heart hurts, Lord. Please inter­vene in his life. He’s beyond the prodi­gal son. He’s such a mess, and I fear he’s nev­er going to get right with you. 

My heart aches and groans, I’m dou­bled over in my grief. 

God, he is so set in his self-destruc­tion. Will you not bring deliv­er­ance, God? Will you not intervene? 

In so many ways, he has been my worst ene­my, and I have only seen his true despis­ing thoughts toward me in the after­math of going out­side his control/plan. I grieve for the friend­ship I thought we had, the fam­i­ly and future I thought we were build­ing. How could he have been hid­ing all this from me the entire time? Oh, God, You have shown me time and again the pure soul You cre­at­ed. Is any of that still in him, or has he hard­ened his heart so great­ly, and killed that gold­en light as well? 

This has just laid me out on the floor in tears, God. “Why me” is not my most press­ing ques­tion, God. “What are You going to do about it,” is. 

What are you going to do about all this? Please, Lord, I beg you. Stop his descent into hell. You can’t let the dev­il win. He is the real ene­my here. He has come to steal, kill, and destroy. 

This isn’t about rec­on­cil­i­a­tion, God. I don’t know if there could ever be some­thing for us again, though I know beyond a shad­ow of a doubt I love him, with a pure love only You could give. Why else would I be here sob­bing in inter­ces­sion for him? 

I have been inter­ced­ing for this man for over 15 years. It start­ed on this very floor Spring Break ’03, when I real­ized I had some­how devel­oped feel­ings for him. And it con­tin­ued through­out so many rooms of this house. So many prayers have gone up for him from here. 

Is this real­ly my sto­ry, God? Is this real­ly what You had in mind when I gave You that pen 14 years ago? How does this sto­ry end, God? In the deep­est part of my soul, I wish for the fairy tale, where God does what only He can do, and heals both the bro­ken and the bro­ken­heart­ed. Where it’s a resound­ing tes­ti­mo­ny like no oth­er to His pow­er and love, and the work of the Spir­it. A “hap­py” ending. 

But life is messy. A life­time of trans­gres­sions and habits doesn’t get swept away quick­ly, and unless You are allowed to do a thor­ough work, there will always be a strug­gle of some sort. So the hap­py end­ing I’m seek­ing, Lord, is for him to return to You. That You bring him heal­ing, deliv­er­ance, restora­tion. A good hope, and a future. Because right now, his future looks like the devil’s play­ground, and his end a tragedy of his own hands. And I can’t have that. No, I won’t let that hap­pen. I’ll keep inter­ced­ing until I see You do what only You can do. Or until You release me, when my heart can han­dle the pain no longer.

John 10:10 (ESV) — The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Today’s Playlist:

T.D Jakes — Truth Induces Labor — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKkJsnXpa1Y