2/4 - I Bleed Love

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I hurt.

Oh, God, I hurt.

I hurt.

I HURT!

Oh God, this hurts.

I hurt.

Oh, God, I hurt.

I hurt.

I HURT!

Oh God, this hurts.

I hurt.

Oh, God, I hurt.

I hurt.

I HURT!

Oh God, this hurts.

I hurt.

Oh, God, I hurt.

I hurt.

I HURT!

Oh God, this hurts.

That was all day yesterday, but especially during worship at church. I was sobbing. I need the promises in my face, to combat the pain.

SUCH PAIN. Especially after his text.

What does that even mean? You’re still lying to yourself. How have you not made a mockery of our relationship, of MY VERY EXISTENCE, these last 18 years? I don’t need to hear more of your self-deception. I don’t need to make time so you can assuage your guilt and justify your actions.

My brother checks in with me often, sometimes multiple times daily. And as always, he responds to my heart with Scripture.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
²When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
³Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.

⁴One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.
⁵For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

⁶And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

⁷Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
⁸When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
⁹Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
¹⁰When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.

¹¹Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
¹²Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
¹³I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

¹⁴Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 27:13 – I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

This verse makes so much more sense to me today than it ever has. I cannot begin to describe the pain I have been wracked with since this weekend. Perhaps the wave of desolation and heartache from making things official at mediation, has pierced past my sickness, and is roaring for attention now.

I’ve spent some time searching for the encouraging Scriptures and messages I’ve found in the last three months, because right now, all I feel is pain and sorrow.

Isaiah 54:5–6

For your Maker is your husband,
    the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
    the God of the whole earth he is called.
⁶For the Lord has called you
    like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
    says your God.

Isaiah 62:2–4

The nations shall see your righteousness,
    and all the kings your glory,
and you shall be called by a new name
    that the mouth of the Lord will give.
³You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord,
    and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
⁴You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
    and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
    and your land Married;
for the Lord delights in you,
    and your land shall be married.

Psalm 36:5

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.

My brother didn’t send me Isaiah 43, but I came across it as I was reading the other passages, and the chapter as a whole is for me.

Isaiah 43

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
²When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
³For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
⁴Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
⁵Fear not, for I am with you;
    I will bring your offspring from the east,
    and from the west I will gather you.
⁶I will say to the north, Give up,
    and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the end of the earth,
⁷everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”

⁸Bring out the people who are blind, yet have eyes,
    who are deaf, yet have ears!
⁹All the nations gather together,
    and the peoples assemble.
Who among them can declare this,
    and show us the former things?
Let them bring their witnesses to prove them right,
    and let them hear and say, It is true.
¹⁰“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
    nor shall there be any after me.
¹¹I, I am the Lord,
    and besides me there is no savior.
¹²I declared and saved and proclaimed,
    when there was no strange god among you;
    and you are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and I am God.
¹³Also henceforth I am he;
    there is none who can deliver from my hand;
    I work, and who can turn it back?”

¹⁴Thus says the Lord,
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“For your sake I send to Babylon
    and bring them all down as fugitives,
    even the Chaldeans, in the ships in which they rejoice.
¹⁵I am the Lord, your Holy One,
    the Creator of Israel, your King.”

¹⁶Thus says the Lord,
    who makes a way in the sea,
    a path in the mighty waters,
¹⁷who brings forth chariot and horse,
    army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
    they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:
¹⁸“Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.
²⁰The wild beasts will honor me,
    the jackals and the ostriches,
for I give water in the wilderness,
    rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
²¹    the people whom I formed for myself
that they might declare my praise.

²²“Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob;
    but you have been weary of me, O Israel!
²³You have not brought me your sheep for burnt offerings,
    or honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with offerings,
    or wearied you with frankincense.
²⁴You have not bought me sweet cane with money,
    or satisfied me with the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins;
    you have wearied me with your iniquities.

²⁵“I, I am he
    who blots out your transgressions for my own sake,
    and I will not remember your sins.
²⁶Put me in remembrance; let us argue together;
    set forth your case, that you may be proved right.
²⁷Your first father sinned,
    and your mediators transgressed against me.
²⁸Therefore I will profane the princes of the sanctuary,
    and deliver Jacob to utter destruction
    and Israel to reviling.

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Psalm 27

Isaiah 54:5–6

Isaiah 62:2–4

Psalm 36:5

Isaiah 43

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