Oh, the ups and downs after a marriage is torn apart.
His family is the one spilling the secrets, not me. I don’t want to be a part of any gossip. If you didn’t care enough to be a part of our lives the last 13 years, you don’t need to know. And if it’s not bringing life, I’m not saying it. That’s not what God would have me do.
2/13 prayer
Father, I thank You for reminders that You always have a grand Master plan, even if we don’t see what You’re up to, God. That You’re interested in even the most minute details and in how to maximize the glory that comes to Your name, Father. So I thank You for the video about Tim Tebow, Lord, that he did the Philippians 4:13 and then switched it to John 3:16 for that last game, and how three years later, Lord, all the stats reflected some variation of 3:16, Lord. And how once more Your name was glorified, Lord, and how people sought you out. He was a city on a hill, a light that was shining so bright in the darkness at that point, God.
And that’s been my prayer for our family for years. Father, I thank You, Lord, for meeting me yesterday at Bible study and for speaking to me about how You are our light and how we are supposed to reflect, transmit, absorb, and refract Your light in so many different ways, God. Lord, You know that all I want is for my life and my kids’ lives to be used for Your glory, God, and even X’s, God. To be used for Your glory and to bring acclaim to Your name.
This morning when I got his cousin’s text message, God, for an hour, my heart was penning a love letter of sorts, adjuring her to not abandon him but to love him as You love him. That the sins that we just discovered that have taken us unaware – You were the Eyewitness to every moment, every action, every thought, every deed. Nothing escaped Your notice, Lord. You were right there with him. You were that quiet Voice that he stilled, that he tried to drown out with everything else, God.
And You love him. You’re waiting for him, as he’s wallowing in this mud, to come to his senses, to turn around, and to run back into the arms of his Heavenly Father Who’s waiting for him, with outstretched arms. God, You are not willing that any should perish but that all should come to eternal life. And it’s Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance. I’m no longer in a position, God, to be an agent of that kindness or love in his life, God.
After talking to the General last night, to realize that the hope I feel resurging every time I’m in Your presence, in the presence of other believers, to not pin that hope or define that hope rather, even though it’s the image that I see. That instead, I would place that hope in You. It’s like she said, that in Job, he lived a blameless life and even when surrounded by all the naysayers, he still put his trust in You, and You gave him double the reward in the end. How much greater was the end of Job than the beginning. I recognize that, God. Son and I just read through the book of Job, and it resonates with me.
But I also think of Steven Furtick’s message today about not being a hostage. When he was speaking about Paul being sent to Philippi and how the Macedonian vision You gave was of a man asking for him to come. But when he got there, he didn’t find that man, there was no synagogue for him to go to to find such a person. And so he went to the river where there were women gathered, and he met Lydia. Lydia was not the person he saw in the vision, but Lydia had a need, he had a need, and together You started the church in the West through her money and his mission. Pastor Furtick was reminding everyone that God may show you something to get you started, but what He uses may not look like what He showed you initially. The point is to be obedient to the best of your ability in what you know at that moment.
So God, I surrender. You told me to surrender him, to trust You, and to focus just on today. Not to think about tomorrow and tomorrow’s expectations or worries or demands. So even with this resurgent hope, I surrender it to You. Ultimately I know, God, that You have great plans for me. That You are such a good God. That whatever the future holds will be better than Plan A. Whether he’s absent or present, whatever it may be. So I choose to do the same thing with that resurgent hope, Father, and I pray it’s pleasing in Your sight. That when I feel it and experience it, that I surrender it, too, as well. That I trust You and that I focus on what’s in front of me at that moment.
I envision these different scenarios in my head, God, of how You’re going to come through for me. It’s not about vengeance. It’s not about vindication or justice even. It’s just – it’s not all about him. It’s just about showing Yourself strong in my life and in showing that You are faithful to Your promise of those that follow You and obey Your commands live blessed lives.
And so, in my head, I’m just counting down the days and telling myself to have patience until certain increments pass. Like February 18th, the sweepstakes is over. February 28th, they’ll draw the name. By the end of March, they’ll be announcing who the winner is, and there will be a winners’ weekend. So much of me believes, God, the HGTV Dream Home is for me, because of what was taken from me, God – the dream home that he and I designed, curated, and where Son and I spent hours and I spent days writing Scripture on the foundation, specific designations for each room. I only got to be there for 4 months before our family was torn apart.
So winning a Dream Home seems like justice. Knowing that I earned and contributed $1.5 million to provide for our family through Your grace and Your provision really. And that he used it, basically he just used me for the lifestyle and the perks that the job provided, the income provided, to fund both his public and private lifestyles.
So it seems appropriate that the cash option of taking everything is about $1 million. And it seems appropriate that I who never got a new car during the 13 years we were married and how he got 2 luxury vehicles and never cared enough about me to put me first or to put the kids’ safety first. So to win a car seems appropriate as well.
And You know, God, that I have my heart hoping for a pharmacy director position. It’s the only way I know where I can work from home, and there’s minimal travel, and it’s a comparable salary to what I was making before. And it’s something that gave me a spark on the inside. And You know, Lord, that part of me is waiting because my former boss said in the beginning of this year they would create another position. So, Lord, You know what I’m holding out my hope for.
But I understand, God, that Your thoughts are not my thoughts, and Your ways are not my ways. I may not see a house and a car and the money and a job come in the way that I’m envisioning. But like You did with Paul and Lydia, ultimately as I continue in my obedience, You will be faithful, and You will make the right pieces fall into place at the right time, and in a way that not only fulfills the people involved, but also gives You the greatest glory and does the greatest good for Your kingdom on this earth.
And I tell You, Lord, I would gladly, gladly and easily walk away from all of it, from some grand gesture of justice, in exchange for his soul. That he would turn to You, and that he would be the man of God that You have called him and created him and fashioned him and formed him and breathed him into existence, to be. I know You’re able to do all of the above, but if I have to choose, I choose his soul.
2/14 prayer
Father, I come before You, Lord, and I thank You for this day, God. I thank You, God, just for a beautiful day, on this Valentine’s Day. It never really had a lot of meaning to me before, so I guess I don’t miss the absence of it as much as I could potentially. I mean, if anything, I feel – I don’t know what I feel. Just remembering that he was at a hotel with her this time last year! Knowing that he has a new headshot that he’s taking today from 4–630, and she’s a portrait photographer, and so I wonder who’s going to be taking that shot of him?!
You know, it’s stuff like that, God, that’s also another war within me. I, You know, I have days like yesterday where I wake up in the morning and see his cousin’s text, and everything in me cries out, “No! Someone, please be there for him! Someone, please love him! Someone, please be God’s representative, God’s hands and feet to him!” And when I think of the redeeming qualities, when I think of the good times, when I think of the things in him that I loved so much, Father, and the personality traits and the glimpses of gold – that’s when my heart wishes for the fairy tale.
But then there’s the times when I remember the deception. I remember the outright lies. I remember the tone of his voice when he’s talking about me, and how he sends me a message of “God can do anything” while he’s seated right next to her! I think of the two of them together and what they did and what they’re continuing to do.
And then that’s when I don’t want to hear from him. I don’t want to think of him. I want to feel nothing for him really, least of all this overwhelming love and concern for his soul.
But I’m committed, Lord, to feeling everything that I feel, and for seeing it through to completion, whatever that looks like. I don’t want to find distractions. I don’t want to substitute workouts to forget what’s going on in life. No, no, I want to fully embrace what’s going on in life, because I don’t want there to be any wounds. I want complete healing. I don’t want there to be any scars. I want there to be strength. I don’t want there to be even a patched-up wound that may at some point burst at the seam and spill out all over.
No, no. I want to be made whole, I want to be made complete, and I know that I find that in You.
I had it. I had that in You before I got married, because I didn’t want to get married until I knew my identity was in You, and that I was already a whole and complete person with a calling and a destiny. And that I wasn’t looking for another person to complete me. I wasn’t looking for another person to fill in any gaps, because I didn’t have any gaps. I was looking for someone to be an equal partner with me who was already whole in You as well.
Are there any people like that, Lord? Are there any people like that out there? I can’t be the only anomaly, right? I don’t know.
I can say, Lord, I am very thankful for one thing that’s different on this Valentine’s Day, and that’s the number of messages I got this morning! I’ve never had to balance three text conversations at the same time before! I’ve never had that many friends reaching out to me. And it wasn’t them checking up on me. It was Michelle communicating about coming in this weekend, so the boys could be together. And Emily talking about an event she wishes I could be at and checking up on me. And it was Darby, knowing she can’t meet tomorrow but doing everything possible to try to meet me today.
Lord, the loneliness I had during my marriage, the lack of friends, the complete isolation – how strange it is, Father, that now You’re surrounding me with support, with a family I can completely depend on, when before I had to depend on myself, depend on You rather. I couldn’t depend on him. He didn’t take care of me, he didn’t care about me.
And so much of me wanted to be plugged into a small group of strong, godly women I could fellowship with. Here I have to travel 1.5 hours one-way for it, but I have it, and I have it in spades. And it’s full of women who are filled with the Spirit, who seek You with their whole heart, and who also have their own battles and issues that they are so transparent about sharing and interceding, God, and going to war and operating in the gifts of the Spirit. I couldn’t imagine a better group of women to be around, and that’s what makes the 1.5 hour long drive one-way worth it.
And I have the freedom to go on this day to have lunch with my son in the middle of a school day, to love on him. We got to make treats last night that I get to bring and share with his buddies because I’m their coach for his academic meet, and I couldn’t have done that before either! I get to pick up my beautiful little girl and my son and spend the evening with them. I get to go have lunch with a MENTOR. Oh my gosh, God, how long have I wanted a mentor!
So, Lord, though I lost a husband, though I lost a house, and I lost the “what could be’s”, Lord, already I’ve gained support, family, a godly group of women, a mentor. And I’ve seen who I can go to, who are friends that I can really go to.
Most of all, there’s You. My, how’s there’s You! And oh, how You shout in my pain! How I hear You! Every single time I turn on the television, I know You have a word for me. And You know, God, part of me doesn’t want winter to end simply because of how loud I hear Your voice in this season. Knowing that maybe Your voice won’t be so loud or so constant when I get to spring. I kinda want to stay in the winter season of my soul, if only to hear Your voice as often and as loud as I do right now.
So today, as usual, God showed me messages tailored for me when I flipped on the TV. It was on Daystar, and the XO Conference was being rebroadcast. I heard Pastor Michael Todd from Tulsa, OK, deliver a crazy-amazing word. I’d seen some of his videos on Facebook before, but I never knew his story. And the fact that he and his wife were fighting at an XO conference 4 years prior to him speaking on that stage. Seriously, go watch it now. Right now. Don’t read another word until you’ve watched it.
This word was just crazy amazing. It was yet another one of those resurgent hope/light in the darkness/My ending is going to blow your mind messages that keep me in a state of tension. To hope, or not to hope? To believe, or not to believe? It did what Pastor Mike intended – it built my faith. Could this MESS become a MESSAGE, the crazy amazing miracle I’ve always envisioned? I don’t know. The blind man had to make the choice to obey Jesus, in order to receive his miracle. And that choice rests solely in my husband’s hands. I guess the hope is that Jesus sees him and reaches out him, because he sho nuf isn’t the one running to God.
My dad LOVED the message. But whereas I was inspired to pray and believe and hope and expect miracles from the mess, his conclusion was that my husband is demon-possessed and so far gone that this message couldn’t possibly apply to him. Sigh. Figures.
I’m sitting here, dealing with the details of the fallout, having to take a 4‑hour parenting course before the court will grant the divorce. Whatever the happy ending, how many of these will I have to live out on this journey before I see God’s plan become a reality?