When I was plan­ning a month of dates this past July, so was he… with her. Even tak­ing her to the Col­orado Springs hotel I told him I’d always want­ed to take him to. And how many of the 16 date days I excit­ed­ly put on the cal­en­dar did he and I have that month? One. Sun­day brunch at the new crepe place, before he left on his “busi­ness” trips all over the coun­try… to see her.

I got this pic­ture in my mind of let­ting go of him (since Let­ting Go has been pop­ping up on the shuf­fle SO much, and while I saw his date expens­es on his finan­cial state­ments), and him spi­ral­ing away from me. I don’t know if I will know any­thing of his life mov­ing for­ward (not like I knew any­thing sub­stan­tial up to this point!). If the present is a pre­dic­tion of the future, he won’t be mov­ing to where the kids and I now live, so there won’t be week­ly exchange trig­gers to dread. I don’t know if he could even do the month­ly vis­its. So I have to focus on me, my path, and trust that God keeps His eyes on him. And maybe the two orbits will cross once more. Such a repeat of our first five years of “friend­ship.”

God told me last week to sur­ren­der him. And this morn­ing, He told me to trust He will take care of him, as my heart desires. Not vengeance. Pro­tect him. Pro­vide for him. Keep him safe, men­tal­ly whole… and bring him back to His side.

So I once again sur­ren­der him. Leave him in God’s hands. He’s anoth­er over­whelm­ing thought/burden I give to God, say­ing this is too much for me to han­dle. I’m leav­ing this in Your capa­ble hands.

Lord, You see all. 

You saw all. 

All.

My heart

and his.

My actions

and his.

Such a dichotomy. 

My heart, actions, tears, prayers… they all stand as mon­u­ments, heaps of stone in the Jor­dan, before You. They cry out as Abel’s blood to You. 

And You will be faithful.