I just got off of Face­Time with the kids. The first I’ve seen them or heard their voic­es since they left on Tues­day. I saw only his back as he walked toward the guest room, and his voice as he prompt­ed the kids to men­tion some­thing in par­tic­u­lar to me. I saw sad­ness flit across my son’s face numer­ous times as he just stared at me, and I knew he was wish­ing we were all together. 

But that’s not pos­si­ble. The king-sized bed my hus­band shared with them last night, he shared with anoth­er occu­pant just a week ago. I won­der if he lay there envi­sion­ing shar­ing that bed with her, her kids, and ours all togeth­er two Thanks­giv­ings from now. And oh, the audac­i­ty! How could he bring our kids into that defiled bed! How could he do any of this, really. 

And I feel dis­card­ed once more. 

“Ever Be” is play­ing right now. I have a con­stant stream of wor­ship music in the back­ground, because I need to feel His Spir­it every moment. And it’s fun­ny how just the right song comes on at just the right moment. Here are the lyrics:

“Ever Be”
Your love is devot­ed, like a ring of sol­id gold
Like a vow that is test­ed, like a covenant of old
Your love is endur­ing, through the win­ter rain
And beyond the hori­zon, with mer­cy for today

Faith­ful You have been, and faith­ful you will be
You pledge your­self to me, and it’s why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You father the orphan
Your kind­ness makes us whole
And You shoul­der our weak­ness
And Your strength becomes our own
Now You’re mak­ing me like You
Cloth­ing me in white
Bring­ing beau­ty from ash­es
For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name, and it’s why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You will be praised, You will be praised
With angels and saints we sing wor­thy are You, Lord
You will be praised, You will be praised
With angels and saints we sing wor­thy are You Lord

And it’s why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

So once more, Lord, I choose to fix my eyes on You. On Your love, devot­ed to me more than the rings of gold or vows I exchanged 12.5 years ago. On Your faith­ful­ness, that nev­er leaves me, and nev­er for­sakes me.

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And then some­times, wor­ship music is the hard­est to bear. Because so much of our life togeth­er was spent in min­istry, espe­cial­ly lead­ing oth­ers in wor­ship. One of my most sig­nif­i­cant moments expe­ri­enc­ing the peace that sur­pass­es all under­stand­ing, one of those 100% pure zen moments when every mol­e­cule of your being knows you are doing what you were cre­at­ed to do, was stand­ing next to him lead­ing wor­ship at a mul­ti­cul­tur­al wor­ship event. His worshipper’s heart is what drew me to him in the first place. So hear­ing “How He Loves” right now is mak­ing me cry. It was one of the songs he led most often. 

When will the roller coast­er final­ly end? And where will I find myself at when it does? Because wor­ship also gives me hope in my amaz­ing God, for Whom noth­ing is impos­si­ble. I know I gave you the pen to my sto­ry in April 2004, Lord, but how does this chapter/part/story end?

«sob­bing»

It’s nice to know I’m not alone, I’ve found my home here in Your arms

Through it all my eyes are on You, And it is well with me

Then I hear You say
You don’t have to do a thing
Sim­ply be with Me
And let those things go
They can wait anoth­er minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Please stay here with Me
And love on Me a lit­tle longer
’Cause I’m in love with you

So I’ll wait here at Your feet
It’s where I want to be
Your voice, I’ll fol­low
Jesus, You are every­thing to me
And I’ll pour out my life
Wor­ship at Your feet
And love on You a lit­tle longer
’Cause I’m in love with You

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I don’t know. The answer to my ques­tion above is I don’t know. But I know the One Who does. And I know His plans to pros­per and not harm me. Plans for a good hope and future. So I choose to rest in the secure knowl­edge of His unfail­ing love. The One Who did not spare His own Son, but freely gave Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also give us all things? It may not look like what I had in mind. But it will be more than eye has seen, or ear has heard. Exceed­ing­ly abun­dant­ly far above all I could ask of think. This I pro­claim. Feel­ings, step aside, and make room for His Word.

Matthew 19:26 (ESV) — But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impos­si­ble, but with God all things are possible.”

Mark 9:23 (NLT) — “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Any­thing is pos­si­ble if a per­son believes.”

Mark 10:27 (NLT) — Jesus looked at them intent­ly and said, “Human­ly speak­ing, it is impos­si­ble. But not with God. Every­thing is pos­si­ble with God.”

Mark 14:36 (NLT) — “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “every­thing is pos­si­ble for you. Please take this cup of suf­fer­ing away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Luke 18:27 (ESV) — But he said, “What is impos­si­ble with men is pos­si­ble with God.”

Gen­e­sis 18:14a (ESV) — “Is any­thing too hard for the LORD?”

Today’s Playlist:

If you have vers­es or songs to share, please post in the com­ments below.