This is hard­er than I thought. Any time I have any con­tact from him, my spir­it sinks, and I have to active­ly fight a down­ward spi­ral. It could be a text, or see­ing his name in my inbox. Def­i­nite­ly Face­Time with the kids. Fun­ny how things I once antic­i­pat­ed, that made my heart hap­py and put a smile on my face, now fill me with dread. I have no clue how I’m going to endure each pick-up and drop-off for the kids’ exchange for the next 14 years. Birth­days, grad­u­a­tions, wed­dings. Right now, the thought of see­ing him or even hear­ing his voice, turns my stomach. 

But this week­end is espe­cial­ly hard, know­ing he has her at our dream home, the home made pos­si­ble by MY job, and only my job. My son and I wrote Scrip­ture all over the foun­da­tion of that house. I spent hours upon hours, pen­ning vers­es with per­ma­nent mark­er in faith and tears, in a place I would only be in for 4 months. And now he’s sleep­ing and hav­ing sex with her in our bed, prob­a­bly win­ing and din­ing her in our dream kitchen (def­i­nite­ly mak­ing fan­cy cof­fee), ser­e­nad­ing her through the sound sys­tem he so care­ful­ly curat­ed with the mon­ey I earned through jobs he scoffed at as being too easy (as though that negat­ed my con­tri­bu­tion?). He loves to dance, and would nev­er dance with me or take lessons. Know­ing him, he’s prob­a­bly tak­en cred­it for every sin­gle design ele­ment while giv­ing her a tour. 

And all the while, in the mid­dle of com­mit­ting adul­tery, he’s try­ing to tell the rest of the world he’s sin­cere­ly pray­ing and seek­ing God’s face in all this. This is the text he sent me yesterday:

How can some­one live such a dou­ble life? Doesn’t it dri­ve him crazy? How can it be SO easy to just plain lie? Some­where along the way, his con­science died. I wish I knew when, so I could hold a memo­r­i­al ser­vice. They say divorce is just like hav­ing a death in the fam­i­ly. If so, I’d con­sid­er when he let go of his con­science as our marriage’s time of death. I should observe it annu­al­ly, like Dia de los Muer­tos. A day to remem­ber loved ones gone, who chose to love them­selves more than any­one else.

I don’t under­stand why he’s still lying. Maybe because it tru­ly is one long con. (He could have giv­en the writ­ers of Lever­age some ideas.) He wants to keep his side of the fam­i­ly, just that – on his side. Because “even [he] needs sup­port.” He wants to con­vince them he is a god­ly man, and in two years, he will intro­duce her as the woman God brought to him, in hopes they will accept the new fam­i­ly he has cre­at­ed in his (and her) sin. 

Or it’s prob­a­bly yet anoth­er aspect to divorce he’s researched. What’s the best age to tell a kid about divorce? He’s read on that, and appar­ent­ly, it’s right now. How do kids of divorced par­ents grow up? Oh, he’s held his own focus group on that one! So how long is long enough before you remar­ry? I’m guess­ing two years is the num­ber his research showed. Fun­ny how he nev­er did any research on how to treat your wife or save a mar­riage, though. 

Today I meet his broth­er and sis­ter-in-law. They ambushed us two days ago, show­ing up on our doorstep unan­nounced, in a quest for answers. I didn’t real­ize it was them until my BIL texted my dad. My par­ents tried to divert atten­tion by leav­ing for the store, but were inter­cept­ed at the garage. Dad told them when I was ready, I would talk. Can’t say I’m “ready,” but at this point, there’s no time like the present, right? I don’t plan on telling them any­thing more than what hap­pened through 10/11. The rest is still unfold­ing in God’s time.

Matthew 24:13 (KJV) — But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

Eccle­si­astes 3:11 (ESV) — He has made every­thing beau­ti­ful in its time. Also, he has put eter­ni­ty into man’s heart, yet so that he can­not find out what God has done from the begin­ning to the end. 

I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.

Today’s Playlist: