Wor­ship today had me sob­bing, not because I was moved by the Spir­it, but due to the sight of the cou­ple in front of me with one arm around their part­ner and the oth­er arm lift­ed in surrender.

Yet anoth­er pic­ture of what I thought I had.

How many ser­vices did we attend, hold­ing our chil­dren while hold­ing each oth­er, togeth­er in wor­ship? How could he hold me and praise God while cheat­ing on me (and God) all the while?

My trek through his finan­cial doc­u­ments con­tin­ues, and I found charges to a sex-for-hire web­site on a cred­it card bill. It was just one month, but it fits with the pattern/trajectory I’ve uncov­ered so far. I had to remind myself I already knew this; I already expect­ed it. I then had to remind myself of Pas­tor Jay’s tes­ti­mo­ny. I’m sure he used plen­ty of sites like this, and he found freedom. 

There’s still hope. 

I so want­ed to mes­sage my hus­band, and ask him, “Real­ly? Real­ly??” But then I felt so sor­ry for him. To bat­tle and wres­tle with all this on your own, know­ing it’s wrong, but not able to stop your­self. And look what it has led to. Throw­ing away the bless­ings God gave you in exchange for pig’s slop. And then I heard the lyrics “let incense arise” from the wor­ship music that’s always play­ing in the back­ground, and I felt such freedom. 

Such free­dom.

My son was upset about my dad’s con­ver­sa­tion call­ing him out on his behav­ior. It’s dif­fi­cult for all of us. It’s dif­fi­cult for me to be an adult under my par­ents’ roof again. Now hear­ing their slights and crit­i­cism about how I’ve raised my kids… Appar­ent­ly my chil­dren are starv­ing, dirty, and ignored unless with my par­ents. Appar­ent­ly my par­ents raised two chil­dren who were per­fect and nev­er had too much screen time.

And based on this next cred­it card state­ment, appar­ent­ly my hus­band was so bro­ken up by break­ing up with me, that he went shop­ping with the mis­tress for pock­et squares at Macy’s the day he arrived in her town on 10/10.

Sigh.

Remem­ber: what­ev­er it is, His name is higher. 

Oh, unfaith­ful hus­band. Oh, unfaith­ful hus­band! How can you live with yourself?! 

I’m going through yet more finan­cials. He trans­ferred more mon­ey into a hid­den account for him­self every month, than he trans­ferred to our fam­i­ly account. How can he live with him­self? How can you be ok with YOUR WIFE being the sole income provider for the fam­i­ly for 11 years?? Espe­cial­ly when you HAD MONEY TO CONTRIBUTE?!!?! 

Let’s see how long it takes for hope in his redemp­tion to return this time.